Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Randomize
