Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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