Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
