the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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