This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
