Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
this boner is exhausting
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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