my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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