Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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