I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
The power of my boobs compel you
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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