Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
