i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
