South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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