she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
