if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I party with great urgency now.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
