Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
