im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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