I need help removing her.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
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