I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
