happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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