btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I am available for nakedness
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
