Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
