so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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