Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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