i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Randomize
