I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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