I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
