I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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