you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
