I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
this will be a night to untag.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
