I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
