So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
