idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
