I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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