your parents love me but you hate me
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
