tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
