she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
being pregnant is like rehab
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
