We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Randomize
