my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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