batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
