This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
