Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
