I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
