To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
