can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
We are all done wearing pants today
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
