Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Randomize
