just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
