U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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