you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
You are a genius and a whore.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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