when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
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