meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
