planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
