Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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